intimidated.

i guess i kind of had this coming.
i've been having pretty positive experiences in relation to my new church...
today my world feels like its coming unglued.
i don't think i'm going to fit in with the college christian group i tried going to tonight.
and i don't have a support system up here at college.

i feel like i NEED to have outside communication and a social life...but it seems impossible.

and then today i realized (again) i'm 19, i do not want to live like i'm married, with my boyfriend. i'm not ready. there's so much more i need to fix about myself and learn FIRST, before i can be committed to another like that...
and that i want my own independence and time away from him. i want friends and social groups.
none of this was made better when i was looking online (facebook nonetheless) that ALOT of the people i USED to call friends, still talk to each other. and of course i just think, what did i do wrong?
and just feel like a complete failure..and left out.

maybe i won't be able to keep this budding relationship with God..

what do you say to a set of parents who just lost their only child?
really what can you say?

geeked out.

I'm writing more than I have in months.
MOST of which is poetry
and the small half is turning into songs...

ALL is inspired by God.
Before I used to write such dark loathing poems but now their truly ALOT happier.
and hold so much more meaning. it's just sad because fewer people respond to these feelings.

I wish I had a reason for these lyrics, beyond what's in my head. I can almost hear a semblance of a song forming...

I love to sing and write.

now THIS weekend I'm headed home for almost 2 weeks!!! On friday I hope to go to UNITE and meet some people and than go to church sunday.

It's hard to explain to my boyfriend, but for whatever reason I feel the need to go to church. I just can't explain it good enough for him. I just want to be with people who believe the same things as me and learn.

I just have a passion for God.