I keep thinking about my sister's best friend.
and it's so much worse because well he's dead.
I don't know how to cheer up my sister
or even myself.
I didn't know him TOO well and I just can't believe it takes death for a person to notice you were there....
seeing him at the funeral home was just wrong. being at the church staring at the casket....seeing his parents crying...his baby pictures his senior photos lined up.

your missed so much. you didnr even realize it.

intimidated.

i guess i kind of had this coming.
i've been having pretty positive experiences in relation to my new church...
today my world feels like its coming unglued.
i don't think i'm going to fit in with the college christian group i tried going to tonight.
and i don't have a support system up here at college.

i feel like i NEED to have outside communication and a social life...but it seems impossible.

and then today i realized (again) i'm 19, i do not want to live like i'm married, with my boyfriend. i'm not ready. there's so much more i need to fix about myself and learn FIRST, before i can be committed to another like that...
and that i want my own independence and time away from him. i want friends and social groups.
none of this was made better when i was looking online (facebook nonetheless) that ALOT of the people i USED to call friends, still talk to each other. and of course i just think, what did i do wrong?
and just feel like a complete failure..and left out.

maybe i won't be able to keep this budding relationship with God..

what do you say to a set of parents who just lost their only child?
really what can you say?

geeked out.

I'm writing more than I have in months.
MOST of which is poetry
and the small half is turning into songs...

ALL is inspired by God.
Before I used to write such dark loathing poems but now their truly ALOT happier.
and hold so much more meaning. it's just sad because fewer people respond to these feelings.

I wish I had a reason for these lyrics, beyond what's in my head. I can almost hear a semblance of a song forming...

I love to sing and write.

now THIS weekend I'm headed home for almost 2 weeks!!! On friday I hope to go to UNITE and meet some people and than go to church sunday.

It's hard to explain to my boyfriend, but for whatever reason I feel the need to go to church. I just can't explain it good enough for him. I just want to be with people who believe the same things as me and learn.

I just have a passion for God.

relationship.

I really did want to keep this blog for and about my relationship WITH God.

However, I feel ALOT better after getting my thoughts down.

I've been dating my boyfriend for the last year and a half. We have been friends for about 2 years prior to dating. My boyfriend is black and I'm white, KABOOM interracial couple. (eh)

OVER the past few months I've read TWO different articles from two different sources. (in this case magazines)
1.) Children's Health Article- written by a white Irish guy on his mixed children
2.) Essence Magazine Article- written by a black woman on interracial dating

The first article talked about his worries/hopes for his two infant children who are a beautiful boy and a girl, who ALSO happen to be of mixed Irish and Haitian descent. The bottom line of this article was he rather his children inherit traits like kindness from him/his family than carry on their blue eyes. And the one thing that struck at my heart was how it's the 21ist century and yet when he introduced his family to his black girlfriend they LOVED her, but when they were about to get married it was a completely different story. His family asked, "Well what about your (future) children?" and he was baffled by them implying there would be something "wrong" with them for being both black and white.....

The second was about a black woman talking about her disgust for interracial dating and how non-black women are "stealing" "taking" all the perfectly good black men away from where they belong: with the perfectly good black women. And how non-black women have all these options of people to date, while black women only have black men.


I'm just so tired ALREADY to deal with this. to even think about this. We ALWAYS have people glaring at us when we are together out in public. Old white guys openly stare down my boyfriend (such as my grandpa) and black girls look at my boyfriend, like i'm not even there...

Then theres the incident on my birthday. We were out shopping at Macy's and this black woman walks right up to my boyfriend and starts telling him how handsome he is and how she has such a beautiful daughter who would love him....in front of me.

it's so hard for to have anything positive in my heart. i feel replacable. i feel stupid. i feel sometimes like, "why am i even dating him?"

I'm JUST a white girl, that he happens to love, but to everyone else. thats not enough. I'm merely a WHITE harlot stealing their man....

yesterday night I went to my first meeting of this Christian group on campus. And honestly, I'm so glad. I really do need to make/meet people who believe in the same things I do.

it was nice, because their was a panel of teachers/people/student answering questions people had about Christians/Christianity. DEFINITELY got me thinking...things like, "am I wrong for believing in this?" "Should I believe this?" etcetc.

whenever i'm in a room full of christians and hearing the word of God I get this surge of warm tingliness throughout my entire body. and i just know in my heart it's not some weird coincidence. and i know God is there and i believe. (the same thing happened at my first Metro church service)

and then theres the fact i just feel so many different things at once. and i even want to cry.
for my mistakes, out of love, joy, hope....

i can say i never believed before. but now God has transformed me and made me believe. out of all people. ( i guess if I were him, I would have found me amusing with all my boldness, doubt, mockery, than after awhile I'd just be like, "hey, that's not funny anymore...")

i'm trying so hard to have more love in my heart. for everyone.

Listen to gatheringblus Playlist

First Post.

Story time. (gather around)
I'll start off with a really cheesy moment between God and me, that I'm proud of .
I had been smoking on and off for a year. Gradually, because of having this freedom to openly smoke at university, the number of cigarettes increased. (1 to 2, 2 to 3, 3 lead to 4 etc.etc.) I began to depend on them as a source of 'something to do' and a stress reliever. Then when it came time for me to go home for winter break I decided (yet again) to try and quit and this lasted for most of the break, yet with the first sign of temptation I gave in all to easily and chained smoke like crazy.
So upon my arrival back at school I went on a crazy midnight run (which involves waiting for a bus out in the freezing cold) for a pack of ciggs. Once i had the pack I smoked like crazy till it was time to go upstairs and sleep. Then the next morning, I set a goal of smoking no more than 4. (which of course was already seeming to fail by the end of an hour)
AS my boyfriend went off to class, he left me outside and what did I do?
but smoke of course.
And after some reading and listening to music, I went back outside for a smoking break.
I just stood outside the building next to the sign that read "no smoking within 25 ft" about to light up, when I thought this is disgusting. I don't even like to smoke anymore. The aftertaste is unpleasant and nauseating.
After a few puffs, I put it out half- finished. And prayed.
I asked God to please help me quit smoking, because I had tried to stop so many times before and nothing was accomplished; I couldn't do this on my own.

I threw out my last pack of cigarettes and since then haven't looked back.
It's miracoulous that even after quitting cold turkey, I haven't been tempted. There's so many people on campus that smoke on a regular basis (a daily reminder) AND it's so easy to get ciggs.
Thank you.